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My mind knows there must be a rational explanation for the monkey mind, must agree that some focal point is necessary, that some idol of right alignment and orientation is required, that my own desire must be the chain that binds, that my own will must give itself by my own name and responsibility.
My heart must feel there is trust, acceptance, and symbiosis--even in power exchange--must feel the ethos of consensus in some shared reality or perceived community, must feel risk aware consent and care. My body needs to sense growing branches of work, roots deep in bliss, and fruits of reproduction/rest: drive to life, pleasure principle, and death wish--yin and yang--as I long to lose myself in the mantra that calls to eternal Becoming, going all in, all the way, giving myself over, withholding not one drop. Will she close the circuit that takes me willingly into ever-growing will-less-ness...uncritical acceptance, unconditional love, complete surrender in pouring out my soul, withholding not one drop? "Far away in the heavenly abode of the great god Indra, there is a wonderful net which has been hung by some cunning artificer in such a manner that it stretches out infinitely in all directions. In accordance with the extravagant tastes of deities, the artificer has hung a single glittering jewel in each "eye" of the net, and since the net itself is infinite in dimension, the jewels are infinite in number. There hang the jewels, glittering "like" stars in the first magnitude, a wonderful sight to behold. If we now arbitrarily select one of these jewels for inspection and look closely at it, we will discover that in its polished surface there are reflected all the other jewels in the net, infinite in number. Not only that, but each of the jewels reflected in this one jewel is also reflecting all the other jewels, so that there is an infinite reflecting process occurring.[6]" --Francis H. Cook
This extended metaphor could be used to explain soft polytheism, polyamory, or Buddhist concepts of emptiness/dependent origination/interpenetration. light goddess, ambient goddess, dark goddess...who will take me as jewel in the net? What is this pleasure in the satanic taboo? The Queen of Swords and Dark Goddess encircle the horns of greed, aggression, and lust in the triple moon of yin energy, a fantasy that sends me to subspace
At least for me with goddess, archetypes, anima, full fantasy as well as para-social, liminal, and (I imagine) real play, --even for power exchange and giving myself submissively away-- sometimes a lighter touch binds tighter than brute force, formal protocols and physical chains.
The Wheel of emotional shift does seem to be turning as new hope fills me today, grounds me in the peaceful hub of trust, no matter the changes brought on by either submission to embodied goddess or surface heartache in failed negotiations. The promise of worship and submission remain as the left-hand path calls to self-centered self-pleasure in love, lust, and magick.
I'm so fucking sad right now, tears running down my face, am so full of sorrow: maybe embodied goddess is not gentle or maybe she won't accept my situation at all. I'm not sure why living out this fantasy in a liminal space is so significant to me. Maybe it will work out or maybe there will be another pathway.
Fearing the "gift-of-the-magi" phenomena, as the Christmas when the husband sold his precious watch to buy his wife hair combs and she sold her hair to buy him a watch chain, I guess it's better to negotiate needs and limits clearly.
Especially difficult between free-flowing switches, the phenomena seems possible even in clear relationships such as domme and subs, as the domme could go further than is comfortable to fulfill the role even as the sub could accept more than is comfortable. The content creators are probably wise to allow for multiple experiences in any given video or file--light trance or deep, fantasy or life-style submission, visual, auditory, or kinesthetic hallucinations, gentle pain or harsh. For those with thousands of viewers of a single item, perhaps praise, shame, or both can be offered in a single file. However, I suppose the many varieties of kinksters requires content notes as well as niche content. Please take me as your subject,
a regular client of a professional hypnotist, as your sub, officially in name, yet ever proving to be a true obedient thing from the heart, always serving more, deep, further, better, always full of worship and appreciation as bliss and peace arise from knowing deep inside that I am your property--bound, marked, locked, as joy fills my heart at your sight, voice, words, rewards, loving to program myself, needing to belong, always wanting to give tithe, time, tribute, and service, for you have made it my deepest pleasure to feel you are my domme, always with me in spirit. |
Alan YESpet, puppet, plaything, precious possession Archives
May 2024
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